This past Wednesday I had my gallbladder removed. I tried to manage the issues without surgery because I believe that God gave me my organs for a reason, but it became obvious that we were all suffering due to my limitations. So out it went.
I was very nervous leading up to the surgery. Even though it is a very common procedure, things happen. Surgery is always a big deal. I thought a lot about my children. If I were to die today, they would not remember me. Daddy would tell them about me, they would have photos and videos, my words in their journals, but no true memories. I fear that.
Tuesday night I made sure to kiss my little girl until she squirmed away and escaped to bed. Then the rest of us went to bed.
Sleep did not come easily to me, nor it seems, to my daughter. I nursed Wriggly to sleep and, as I laid there, I heard her start to cry. I waited a bit to see if she would calm down but she didn't. Thinking she may have lost C.C. the Gurgle Bear, I went in to see her.
It turned out that she had C.C. and her backup. But she was writhing around in her crib crying and screaming. I couldn't figure out what was wrong so I picked her up. She collapsed into me, silent and limp. My little non-stop, go-go-go girl just buried her face in my neck.
I spent a good chunk of time rocking her, carrying her and singing "Baby Mine" while she snuggled her toys in her crib. As I sat in our rocking chair, smelling her hair and cheek, I was conscious of the thought I may never get another chance to do that.
I reflected on all the times I rocked her there. She has grown so much. She used to fit curled up in one cradled are and now her legs dangle off the chair.
I decided to just enjoy my girl that night. Because, regardless of how the surgery was going to go, my days with her are numbered.There are only so many times I will get to sit and rock her. The day will come when she no longer runs to me for comfort. She is a fiercely independent little thing and I need to cherish every moment of assurance she requires from me. Because I will crave that far more than she once it is gone. And one day, I will no longer be around.
I pray that I will live a long and fulfilling life with my family close to me, but there are no guarantees. So I will do my best to cherish every moment I am granted with them. Because the reality is that any one of them could be my last.