Friday, July 22, 2011

Pride in Accomplishment

Squiggle's block tower.

Happiness and self-esteem really can't be given. It isn't external. I felt this first-hand today. Lately, I've been rather down. This has been due to many factors, external and internal. By this I mean that I have allowed the external problems rob me of my internal peace. My motivation had fled and I was descending into hopelessness.

I am not an optimist by nature or upbringing. It was never modeled for me. Life was a challenge to be survived. This is not a productive attitude. I noticed long ago that happy people didn't have "better" lives. They had problems just like everyone, they just dealt with them differently. Now the ante has been upped because I want my children to have happy lives. And I know how hard it can be to break patterns learned as a child.

Last night was bad. I just couldn't sleep. I was in bed thinking about all my failures and frustrations. Obsessing is not too strong a word. Not healthy, but what could I do. Sleep is never easy for me, and stress makes it worse. My choices were to lay there and continue to obsess or to get up and do something.

Historically when I get up I read. But that just didn't appeal to me. So I went into my closet instead. I saw my boxes of unpacked clothes and decided to deal with them. Either way I was going to lose sleep. At least this way I would get something good out of it.

I ended up unpacking all my shirts, blouses, and two-piece outfits. Then I neatly stacked my specialize clothing on a shelf. It only took an hour, but after I was done I felt capable of sleep.

The next morning I got up, at my usual time, feeling better than I had in a while. Today I felt like accomplishing something. So I did. I unpacked more boxes than I can remember. I set up my vase with the cattails that I've never displayed. Photos were set out and laundry was put away. I made dinner for a friend who just had a baby and watched another friend's kids to help her out of a jam.

Now as I sit here, I feel good. Especially about myself. Sure there is some muscle soreness. But I totally seized this day. And I am proud of myself.

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