Friday, July 15, 2011

Emotional Crisis

This is where I decide to be brutally honest. It could lose me some friends if they ever read it. But I really am in a crisis right now. I need someone to talk to, and can't think of who would be the right person. My husband knows the problem, but he doesn't need me whining to him. He has enough of his own problems. I won't add to his burden.

I have a Facebook account. I have many friends from all over, including my church. I have political views. I have lost the ability to keep quiet. Unfortunately, most of my political views are opposite of those of the church. At least the leadership. Over the past year or so, I have posted things that have gotten some harsh words thrown at me. Words like bigot, prejudice, unChristian. None of which are true. None of which have anything to do with the posts I have made.

We have chosen to stay with the church because the majority of the people are great. They really are. When we were looking to move our church was one of two reasons we had to stay in town. It was the reason that we only looked on one side of town, after we decided to stay. The first time we attended, we felt welcomed. People were so friendly and warm and just plain wonderful. We joined and didn't look back.

Then came the comments. At first it was one person, then another. Some would comment on a one of my posted links without even going to see what the link was. He later admitted he had just assumed he knew what it was about and replied based on his assumption. He did apologize, in private, IF his comment had bothered me. No, really, I don't mind being accused of advocating vandalism based on bigotry.

We have debated on whether or not to leave the church we had formerly loved. Each time we decide to stay. Because the majority of the congregation is still great. But increasingly I have felt unwelcome there. Because the few people who have a problem with me are important to the church. It seriously detracts from my worship. And tonight another person has joined Team Name-calling.

I am worn down. I don't appreciate the hostility directed toward me. Debate the issues all you want, but implying that I'm a bad person because of my political views is uncalled for. At least I think it is. This crap has been going on for a while, and we have many other worries dragging on us. This is the time we need a supportive environment, not more people to tear us apart. This latest comment was just my straw. I'm not sure I have anything left.

Church should be a safe place. It should be supportive. Instead it brings back memories of how I felt walking into school. Friendless, insecure and surrounded by hostility. I didn't understand it then, and I still don't. Not really. But I know that I don't feel the way I should about my spiritual home. Or my spiritual leaders. I don't want to leave the second church that I've ever loved. But I don't feel love anymore. Just condemnation and judgment.

I had dreams of our children growing up in this church. Now, I'm not even sure I want Baby X to be baptized there. That thought alone makes me cry. I just don't know what to do. My reserves are gone. Depression is reigning. And I feel alone. It is hard to feel that God is with me, when many of His followers think such bad things about me. So maybe this letter is to God. I don't have many people who read my blog, but He knows. He's really the only one I can turn to. And maybe I should have realized that before.

I hope to have a more cheerful post tomorrow. Not that God will need the electronic update. He, of course, already knows.

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